My anxiety waxes and wanes

Sometimes I'm fine. Sometimes I'm not. I'm better than I was at the beginning...but sometimes I still feel like I'm being crushed under the weight of my anxiety. And I don't really know how to improve longer term. I'm suffocating her a bit.

I act out. I don't communicate. And I'm actually the better communicator out of the two of us. I just want it all so badly. And I can feel that she does, too. At least she does most of the time.

It's been a crazy roller-coaster ride. The sex. The lies. The insecurities. On both sides, really. But I'm still in. I still want it. Maybe more than anything. Part of me thinks it won't work, but I have to try. Part of me thinks that this is my last shot, but it's a shot.

No matter what else happens, I'm going to try to grow. I'm going to try to get better. I'm going to try to learn. Hopefully we'll do it together.

She told me

Today she told me, "I love the way you root for people. You have a positive impact on so many people's lives."

It's such a nice thing to say.

She lied

She lied to me about something involving a guy she used to date. She lied about it and was going to see him behind my back. It made me really upset. I tried to leave but she stopped me. I love her. I don't want to lose her but I don't know what I can handle.

I get so nervous

Everything is going well. That makes me nervous. But I love her and she seems to love me back. Don't know how to handle that. Don't know how to handle her. I've been holding on too tight most of the time. She gets angry but she lets me and still seems to come through it wanting me. So I'm in so long as she is.

I only seem to post

When I'm really upset. When I'm on the brink of destruction. But things lately have actually been going really well. Things are great. Found something that is making me happy. It makes me obsessive, and crazy, and upset, too. But it's making me happy. I might want it too badly. But that's the only thing wrong with it.

I'm too sensitive. I feel a little upset over something dumb this very second. And I'm sure I'm only a day away from a total meltdown...but I wanted to acknowledge how happy I am. And how hopeful I am right now. Things can work. This very thing can work. I believe that it can. I even believe that it will.

No matter what happens I'm glad that I found this thing. I'm glad I found something significant. It's a good reminder that while life can tear you limb from limb...it can also be beautiful and wonderful. And while I can be crazy, jealous, insecure and lots of things that are bad...I can also be cool. I can be charming and fun and interesting with the right person. Riding the wave.

I don't need to know

I don't need to know what she's doing. That's what I need to tell myself. I worry all the time. Anytime she's not talking to me I assume she's out there falling in love with someone else. And I know that's stupid. And I know that's weak. But I feel that way nonetheless. I wish I didn't. I hope I can change. I hope I can stronger and healthier.

She's usually willing

She's usually willing to just let things go in an attempt to be happy. I need to be more like that. I need to find that laid back place.

I'm so

I'm sensitive. It's the opposite of how I wish I was. I get upset about the stupidest stuff. I'm upset right now over something that is embarrassingly juvenile. Maybe I'll get over it.

For now

It's going well right now. And there's no reason that can't continue. But it feels like a house of cards.