Obsession

I have this weird inner turmoil when it comes to this girl. It's interesting. I'm alive. I have this opportunity to almost start from scratch. Design my life. Decide who I'll be. And the thing I find myself fixated on is falling in love. As though finding the right girl will fix / change everything. Trying to be less focused on that sort of thing and focus on myself. Going to therapy, taking an art class, hanging out with friends. Figuring out how to have a nice life. But it's a challenge. It doesn't come naturally to me. What comes naturally to me is obsessing over relationships and my love life. Not sure what that's about. Should probably talk about it in therapy--but even there I feel shame and embarrassed about the way I am.

Try to forget

Try to forget. Try to find a path forward. It's not bad advice. But I don't know if I actually want to forget.

The beautiful thing about feeling like you've lost everything is that when you start over, you can redesign your life. You can start from scratch. Get rid of anything you don't like. Learn whatever you like. Do whatever you like. But forget? I don't think I'll ever forget. I don't know that I want to. I don't know that I want to move on. The pain has to be good for something, right? Good for remembering what I had and the hell I feel like I've passed through.

New girl

Super over-thinking this conversation I had with this girl. Thinking about what things mean. Trying not to be crazy or bring them up. Dealing with a lot of anxiety about it. Not sure how to make it better.

It all hangs by a thread

I worry about things. I worry a lot. I worry that I'm a bad person. I worry that I'll never get away from that feeling. I worry that I'll never feel better. I worry that I'll never be happy again.

Same mistakes

I continue to make a lot of the same mistakes. I'm not sure how to break it. I feel very lost and broken. I'd like to go back to therapy...but one of the only things that's working in my life is the fact that I'm financially stable / secure...and I feel like therapy will potentially hurt that. Not sure what to do.