She just wants

She just wants to have fun. She just wants to have a good life and be happy. Try and give her that. Why does it pain you so much to just comply? Why is it so hard to just give it to her? Let her be who she is. You are a big change and there's competition for her affection.

Fucked up

I fucked up really badly. Again. I always do. And now all I can do is wait. But I can feel that it's over. I know before she tells me. I know before the cards are turned over.

I don't completely understand how I fucked up this time. I mean, I do. I guess I do. I kind of do. It all got away from me. Jealousy. Insecurity. Just piling them all up.

I hope I'm wrong. There's still a chance. But...she talked to her friends and I'm sure they encouraged her to end it. And maybe that's just what she wants.

Time redux

Time really does speed up as you get older. Soon I'll be 36. I still feel young. I feel like I blinked when I was 26 and lost 10 years. I'll blink again soon and I'll be 60.

Jealous and insecure

I feel jealous of everyone she talks to. Generally insecure about all of it. She is so extraverted. People love her. It all comes naturally. It's part of her job and her career. But it's all part of who she is. And I like it. I really do. I'm just not sure I can see how I fit into all of it.