Today I wanted to live

For whatever reason, today I was less dark than I am some other days. I just wanted to write that somewhere, so I can read it again when I forget. Maybe tomorrow I'll forget. Or maybe I'll keep getting less dark. I honestly don't know. Maybe it's a scenario where asking yourself whether you're happy is a foolish exercise because you'll cease to be so.

Songs

There are songs I literally can't handle listening to anymore. Songs that take me to places I struggle to exist in. Songs that overwhelm me with memories of what I've lost and intense sadness. Unfortunately it's a list that's comprised of songs that were some of my favorites. Songs that were beautiful and meaningful to me. But they do what music does--transport you to that time and evoke those memories.

Grandma

She gets married on Friday. I know this because her attorney contacted me about some paperwork. I think she's probably happy. I want to be happy for her but I hurt, too.

I sent a recording where I sang and played Honey Come Home to my grandma. She responded by saying, "this made me cry. Are you still in so much pain?"

I don't know whether I am. Some days I'm in less.

Lost

Felt particularly lost lately. Recently visited a friend in D.C. He thinks I should move there. Maybe I should. There's nothing keeping me here. But it also feels like there's nothing anywhere else for me, either. It feels really hopeless. I keep going through the motions.

Did a google search for painless suicide and happened upon this, which made me laugh.